Johnson ‘can’t believe they fell for it’
Re-elected Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, today told the Daily Jews he couldn’t believe the idiots fell for it. “I lied my way through the campaign, everyone knew it, even the fridge I hid in new I was lying. I’m amazed that my bullshit worked. I want to thank my friend Donald for his fantastic advice. […]
Labour voters ‘gutted’ they will have to pay for broadband
Following the Conservative party massive victory in the election, Labour supporters are decrying the fact that they will have to pay for their broadband connections. “fuck the NHS. I can’t believe I won’t get free fibre” Jason from Southend told the Daily Jews today. Jane, from Oldham, told us: “I was hoping to see less […]
Winners of the Jewish emoticon awards 2019 annouced
The annual Jewish emoticon awards were held last night and sponsored by the JLC, BoD, Jewish Chronicle and Ken Livingstone’s ‘don’t mention Hitler’ foundation. The Jewmoji’s, as they are affectionately known, brings the community together each year. It’s the only Jewish event that brings all denominations and political opponents together. This year Stephen Pollard could […]
Corbyn to tax millionaire shortbread
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced he will raise new revenues to pay for investment needed in the NHS by taxing millionaire shortbread. The move was immediately condemned by high street food outlet Leon who currently sell a millionaire shortbread for £2.69. A spokesperson for Leon told the Daily Jews the price would have to […]
Boris promises new government will hate all minorities equally
Boris Johnson has ramped up his electioneering with only a day left of campaigning. The Prime Minister is reaching out to all minority groups, some of whom have complained about Tory racism. In a speech to his supporters in Stockport today, Mr Johnson promised that he would launch an independent enquiry into all forms of […]
Labour offers ‘goody bag’ in last-minute election bid
The Labour party today has offered to give everyone in the country a ‘goody bag’, should they win the election which is being held on Thursday this week. Jeremy Corbyn pledged today that within the first 100 days, every man, woman, non-binary gendered human, child and Welsh person would receive a bag in the post […]
Boris Johnson to appear on Andrew Neil, 13th December
PM Boris Johnson has finally agreed to be grilled by interviewer Andrew Neil, on 13th December. Neil who had previously torn a new anus for Corbyn was supposed to have been providing new cavities for all the leadership hopefuls but until now Mr Johnson had avoided setting a date. Johnson told the BBC today that […]
Trump runs home crying from creche after other kids laugh at him
US President Donald Trump ran home from the NATO creche crying today after some other kids laughed at him in the playground. Mr Trump (68), reportedly told his babysitter with tears streaming down his face: “Trudeau and Macron were mean to me in the playground today, so I left school early.” He went on to […]
UK divided over which sack of shit to vote for
A new poll out today by Morris Ipsosovich shows the electorate shifting their votes to the two main parties. The party led by the blue sack of shit is now at 39% with the party led by the red sack of shit closing the lead now up to 32%. We asked voters today how they […]
Polling company accused of “pro-Jewish” bias
Polling company Ipsos-Mori is being accused of being too pro-Jewish. The claim made by the Federation of Antisemites Sadistic Cunts Islamophobes Sociopaths and Theatre-critics or FASCIST is that Ipsos-Mori is, in fact, a man called Morris Ipsosovich who lives in North Hackney. The FASCIST group went on to say that Mr Ipsosovich was good at […]
