Survivors bored of the apocalypse already
A poll of Covid-19 survivors found that 93.24% of people are already bored of the apocalypse. The survey which polled 3.2bn people, mostly in countries inflicted with the deadly new coronavirus was carried out by Morris-Ipsos. “I really thought it would be more action-packed than this” Dave Woodwood 29 from Southend told us. He went […]
Readers coronavirus worries
We asked our readers to write in with their biggest worry about Coronavirus. Here’s what they said: Serena from South Ken: I’ll run out of Netflix tv series to binge, then how will I chill? Delia from Camberwell: What if toilet paper isn’t edible after all? Tarquin from Chelsea: The Captain of my private yacht […]
Coronavirus advice for shul-goers:
As we enter a dangerous phase in the spread of Coronavirus with many Jewish communities being in heavily affected areas, we have put together some top tips for staying safe in shul. Do not share Tallitot as it can pass the virus, in fringe cases. When you get to shul, and you wish people a […]
Coronavirus: Happy Birthday infringes copyright, say Warner Bros
Warner Bros, the owner of the copyright on the song Happy Birthday, has issued a cease and desist order to members of the public who sing Happy Birthday twice while washing their hands. The letter sent to all homes in the UK states “playing the tune back in your head is allowed, but singing it […]
Jews 100x more likely to suffer from coronavirus panic
A survey by Morris-Ipsosovich has found that Jews in the UK are 100x more likely to be terrified of coronavirus than Goyim. The poll which ran between 1-2 pm yesterday a randomised sample of Jews and Goyim were asked: “On a scale of 1-10, how afraid are you that coronavirus will result in a shlept-out […]
‘Oscars’ to sue ‘Jews got Talent’ by Jewish care
Monty Meyerowitz, CEO of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (the awarding body behind the Oscars) has announced he is to sue Jewish care of their hosting of ‘Jews got Talent’ the final of which is this coming Sunday. Meyerowitz told the Daily Jews that ‘Jews got Talent’ is the Oscars and therefore […]
At hustings, Labour leadership hopefuls bid to make the Jews shut up
The Jewish Labour Movement together with Labour Friends of Israel, along with Mossad, hosted a labour leadership hustings event last week. All four leadership candidates, Becks Bailey, Thorny Berry, Lisa Nandos-Chicken and Sir Keir Poshboy had previously signed up to the Elders of Zion pledges*. On the night, Nandos-chicken was the toast of the room […]
Jewish Chronicle to merge with Daily Mail
After months of negotiations, the Jewish Chronicle has agreed to merge with the Daily Mail today. The JC has been financially struggling for years despite being funded by the Elders of Zion and other Zionist world controlling groups. This merger would see the stabilisation of their finances and a new car for the editor, Stephen […]
Heineken Virus has led to zero deaths so far
Following the news announced last week that Heineken are launching their own virus to compete with Corona, initial testing has shown the zero % fatality rate. The team at Heineken labs have been injecting test patients with 200ml of Heineken a day and other than some sickness and headaches, the virus has yet to cause […]
Gordon the Gopher comes out of the closet as Philip Scholfield
1990’s TV star Gordon the Gopher has come out of the closet and announced to the world that he’s Phillip Scholfield. Mr Scholfield revealed that he has never actually been a real Gopher and he was even aware of this when Mr Gopher married Maurine the Mouse in 2011. Mr Scholfield told reports “I apologise […]
