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Local churchgoers shocked to discover Jesus was Jewish
Congregants of a local Church of England parish in Swinford, Kent, are in collective shock after their priest informed them that Jesus was actually Jewish. Reverend Richard Dingsbottom, who has served the parish for over 40 years, told the Daily Jews he couldn’t hide the truth from his flock any longer. “I was reading a […]
Why London bus drivers fall asleep at the wheel
A new report has shown that 1 in 6 London bus drivers have fallen asleep at the wheel within the last year. We decided to ask seven bus drivers whose names begin with S, why this is happening: Sandeep from Ilford: I had a passenger who wouldn’t stop talking, she was so dull it sent […]
Mothers demand the right to return faulty children
A group of Mothers are demanding changes to the trade descriptions act that would allow them to return faulty children within 14-years of giving birth. The group called ‘My child is a little shit’, is campaigning to force hospitals to take back children. They also demand the hospitals offer a full refund (of the costs […]
Man decides to prorogue mother-in-law
A man from Newcastle has announced to the UK media that he will be proroguing his mother-in-law. Derek Pardon (41) told the Daily Jews that he was expecting the “old bat” to die in a few weeks anyway but is too busy preparing for the aftermath that he would be proroguing the relationship. “In effect, […]
Cute puppy causes owners eyes to explode
Rob Ponim (45) from Jewtown Road in Stanmore took Charlie the puppy (3 weeks) home as a gift for his wife and children. He told the Daily Jews: “Everything was fine until I looked at him for 15 seconds without blinking. My eyes started itching. I thought maybe I was allergic. Blood was leaking down my cheeks, but I […]
Jewish Chronicle too expensive for some antisemites
For many people in the UK Jewish community, the Jewish Chronicle is a Shabbat treat. But spare a thought for people who can’t afford it and have to use regular toilet paper. The problem is worse for thousands of poorer antisemites across the UK who rely on the Jewish Chronicle to spin their conspiracy theories […]
Public on alert for topless fat-men this weekend
The government has issued a public safety alert as temperatures are forecast to soar this weekend. It’s expected that hordes of fat middle-aged white men will depend upon the UK, potentially terrifying small children. Fat-man Dave Trotter from Peckham told the Daily Jews “This is my moment. I wait all year long for a weekend. I can […]
Rabbis agree Trump is Messiah
After President Donald Trump revealed himself as King of the Jews, the Union of Orthodox Rabbis put out a statement they accept him as the Jewish Messiah. “We were waiting for an old fat racist to come along, he is the true Messiah.” The statement read. The statement continued: “Clearly his assertion that the Charlottesville […]
‘Farter’ decries move to open plan office
An office worker in Tottenham this week has threatened to take his employers to court over their proposed move an open plan office. The office worker, Dave Scott, told the Daily Jews that the move was an infringement of his human rights. “As a loud and frequent farter, I often feel society judges me when […]
Local council votes to live in fantasy world
Hackney Council yesterday voted to live in a world where Boris is not PM. and everything is just fine and dandy. A statement from the council read: “Following several important town hall meetings; we decided as a council that the world is fucked. Some of the contributing factors to this being, the pending no-deal Brexit, […]
