Glastonbury tree distressed from non-consensual hugging
A tree situated close to the Glastonbury Tor is reportedly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome after over 40 years of being hugged without its consent by random hippies.
The tree, which according to experts is made of oak, broke its vow of silence which is mandatory for all trees under the ‘trees of the world code 1412’, told a hippie to “piss off” last week.
The tree which wishes to be known as Felicity, spoke to The Daily Jews in a unique and world first, “for hundreds of years no one was interested in me, I could just laze around and soak up the Sun, then in the 1970’s hippies started visiting me and touching me in inappropriate and non-consensual ways. The worst experience I’ve had was when some smelly hippie tried to insert a crystal inside of me, made me shed my leaves.” Felicity told us.
“Apparently a rumour was started in 1971 that Jesus visited Glastonbury 2000 years ago and hugged me, now all the hippies think that touching me inappropriately will heal their Auras or some shit”.
Felicity is now receiving counselling from a team of therapists, crowdfunded by the local community. She is also under sanctions from the Council of Tree Elders for breaching their no talk policy.
A spokesperson for Jesus Christ told us, “he never visited Glastonbury or the UK, he would appreciate if the hippies (and the Catholic church) stopped making up shit about him”.
